Shy

Dear Frum Abby,

I feel a lot of pressure from my parents to go out and do things. I do have a driver's license and I don't mind going to the grocery store, running errands, that kind of thing. But I don't want to go to college, which means driving on the expressway, maybe getting lost, finding parking, probably being late to class. I've never really taken a bus in the city so I surely don't want to take public transportation. In Chicago (where I live), most of the kids drive where they want to go.

I am a little shy in general and my parents have always nagged me to go to people's houses, too, which I don't like doing. At this point, because I'm afraid to go to college on my own and I'm pretty much a social failure I'm getting pretty depressed. Don't tell me to just do it (I read your other blog, the post about confidence). It's not so simple. I really just can't.

Paralyzed in Chicago

Dear Paralyzed,

You're so right. It is so not simple. Sounds as if you've been a little socially phobic for years and that worked as long as you didn't feel you had to take any real risks.

Since you're probably not doing much this summer (you didn't say) I'd suggest we start with baby steps and a simple bus ride from whatever bus stop is close to you to the end of the route and back. Take a friend with you for support. If you don't have a friend to go with you, ask a family member to take the ride.

Get to know that bus route. Look at the people on the bus, look out the window. Begin to notice what I call "landmarks", local restaurants, schools, hospitals. Associate them with their cross streets.

At some point take the ride on your own, without a friend. This process is called desensitization, and is a behavioral therapy, by far cheaper than seeing a therapist and basically will accomplish as much. From the bus we get you over to the bank to open your own bank account. Adulthood can be more fun, by the way, than being a kid. In any case, there's no looking back.

I'm assuming you're not an abused child, that you're just kind of sheltered, based upon what you said about nobody in your crowd taking busses in general. Life's all about taking the bus, I'm happy to say.

P.S. Readers, the post she's talking about can be found at Therapy Doc
Look for, "Confidence Game".

Good luck,

Frum Abby

Hippie Parents

Dear Frum Abby,

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, but they didn't grow up frum like they raised me.

Here's the problem. Although I'm not the frummest kid on the block, my parents are more frum than me, I think. But I'm still not interested in doing the things they think I want to do. They think I want to do what they did as kids, but I don't. They have told us kids many stories and I have learned much from them and love them very much. I understand from what they have told me from their experience that smoking and pot are probably pretty stupid things to do. So I don't do them.

They can stop lecturing already.

But here's the thing. They don't believe me. They don't trust me. I have done nothing wrong, seriously, for them to act so suspicious of me and of my friends.

Where am I going, what am I doing, Is there going to be a parent home, What time will I be home, Are there going to be drugs where ever it is I'm going? The questions never stop and neither do the looks that say, We know what you're up. It is making me crazy.

I'm sixteen and the truth is that their distrust is making me want to go out and do something just so they'll be happy since they already think I do.

I'm sick and tired and suffocating. You have to disguise my identity, please.

Suffocating

Dear Suffocating,

Yes, raising parents can be hard. You do deserve more respect than you're getting if in fact you're as good as you say. But I have to ask this. How are you acting when you're getting the fifth degree? How do you answer them back? Would you say that you show an attitude? Getting a wee bit testy perhaps? Do you make faces or roll your eyes?

Face it. They see it as their job to be on top of you, to protect you . At sixteen, with your track record (I'm assuming you really haven't caused them any grief) I personally think they can lighten up, but it's you who has to have the heart to heart and tell them that without the drama. Assertiveness is just the facts.

You have to sit them down and tell them what you've told me, that you're a good kid and you don't want to smoke pot (that's what I think I heard you say). That actually, in your mind, it's not a cool, attractive activity and if it was cool when they were kids you're sorry, but it's not what you're into and they can relax. You have to say these things respectfully and make eye contact.

You can act just a little upset and insulted, since you are, but remember this is probably less about you than about them. You'll be most successful if they say something about when they were kids. Then you can say, But Mom, Dad!, I'm NOT you. I'm me. That's the key and that's what they want to hear.

Take a deep breath,

Frum Abby

The Ring

Dear Frum Abby,

I'm engaged to be married and the date is set for August. The ring was very expensive. I had to use a credit card and I don't like doing that. I didn't care because I felt that this was a one-time thing and that we could pay it off. Now I'm worried because my kala, my bride to be is turning out to be a very big spender. I would never spend money on some of the things she buys. I set aside what I can, splurge a little for shabbas clothes, but I don't have to have a whole new wardrobe just because I'm getting married. And I don't like credit card debt. Any ideas?

Spent in Brooklyn

Dear Spent,

Your marriage probably won't be happy if only one of the two of you has complete control over every penny spent. This is a VERY common problem, and can be for many years. Money can also bust up a marriage.

How one spends money reflects values (and sometimes mental illness, read the Bi-Polar post in Therapy Doc's blog, TherapyDoc. (You have to scroll down to the previous post that says Fishing with Bipolar Disorder-You Need Two Poles.)

So if there are big differences in spending, it can mean that there are some other big differences, too.

Two people rarely have the very same set of priorities going into marriage. , but boy, is it helpful to try to talk about values, especially before you get married. Communication is the key. It is likely that given the chance, your kala really could convince you of the importance of her purchases.

But let's say she can't. If she's people pleasing, making her parents happy over you, then that's a BIG problem that you should work out before the marriage. If it's her own value about "image", she may be right, depending upon how or if she works in the world outside your home.

One simple solution is to decide how much there really is to spend per month, then work together to decide how much, in specific dollar amounts, each of you can spend from that pool. THEN, when the bigger purchases have to be made, you talk about them.

You also want to discuss what happens when that plan doesn't work. Is that grounds for divorce? Abuse? How will you feel? How will she feel? Not so simple, my friend, is it? And we wonder why so many engagements don't make it to the chupah.

I tell young couples to Talk, talk, talk. And then talk some more.

Good luck, F.A.

Family Loyalty

Dear Frum Abby,

I've been married for almost a year and a half. I thought that by now my husband would be a little more loyal to me, and less loyal to his family. I love them and they're nice to me, but they take up a lot of his time. If his mom says, "Jump," he jumps. She pretty much is the boss of the family, not because his dad isn't around—he just doesn't care. Everyone in that family just does what my mother-in-law tells them to do and doesn't argue.

My husband goes there everyday after work. He's either got to fix something or to try something that she's cooked. Sometimes he has to baby sit for my sister-in-law's kids—they live with her and my father-in-law. My husband is the baby of the family.

So I don't really get it. I know my husband loves me. He's very affectionate and helpful at our house, too. I just feel that he should put me first. He says he does, but I haven't felt it, you know?

What's going to happen when we have kids? Do you think things will miraculously change? We haven't got any yet. I'm about ready to leave this guy, but I love him, I really do.

Aggravated with the in-laws


Dear Aggravated,

That scene could have worked both ways. The guys usually accept it when the girls spend what I consider too much time with their families after marriage.

But I'm sensing something's up over there at the in-laws' house. There is such a thing as a "united front marriage," one in which everything LOOKS good, but indeed, the partners are not united at all, they're just afraid to have fights. Fighting, if it's nasty and hurtful, can traumatize people. So they avoid it like the plague for the rest of their lives.

But no fighting? If you have no arguments you have No emotional intimacy. You have to argue and solve problems to really get close. A good solution to a problem makes a couple feel oh, so strong, oh so together. Happy.

What has this got to do with your problem, again?

My guess is that your father-in-law avoids arguments with your mother-in-law and gives in all of the time. Your husband, and everyone else in the family also agree with the covert family rule, It's not worth the argument; don't argue with Ma. Your mother-in-law, quite used to getting her way, doesn't even have to pressure anyone at this stage of the game to get (and in this case keep the things she loves.

She may not even be conscious of this, by the way, and they may not be, either. It's not something you just go in there and accuse everyone of doing. But it may be what's going on.

Get your boy into marriage counseling, dear, in any case, with a licensed family therapist.

And good luck!

Frum Abby

Response to Down in Missouri

DOWN IN MISSOURI WROTE:

Dear Frum Abby,

I grew up as the youngest of six girls, then my little brother came along when I was four. I don't remember much, but I do remember that my parents and my sisters really had to give him all of their attention because he has a disability. That isn't why I'm writing, though. Now I'm sixteen and I have a boyfriend.

This is against the rules of my family and my sister, the one just older than me, is threatening to tell on me if I don't end the relationship. Frum Abby, this is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He (let's call him Yitzi) is so nice to me. He really loves me. The problem is that I have to lie to be able to see him, like say that I am meeting a girlfriend. We meet at the park so there's not much we can really do that's so, so terrible. We have kissed (a lot). My parents, especially my father, have no idea about it and I can't see why they have to know. What can I tell my sister that will make her respect my privacy?

Down in MISSOURI

Dear Down,

Is Yitzi 16, too? Or 26? I'm going to guess that he's your age. What are your real feelings about being shomer negiyah, not touching a boy until you're married to him?

I'm going to assume NOT that you don't believe in it, but that you think it doesn't apply to you. I'm NOT writing as a rabbi, okay, but as a professional.

IF touching Yitzi makes you feel guilty, then the guilt is there to motivate you to change your ways.

IF there's no guilt about it, but you really only want some space to be alone with your boyfriend, then you're going to have a LOT of trouble finding it.

IF your sister knows then there's at least one other person who knows. No one keeps secrets, sweetie, no one.

IF your sister knows and one other person knows (really, countless know by this writing) then IT IS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE YOUR PARENTS KNOW. So I'd get working on that possibility and what you're going to do when they confront you (or when the school kicks you out, I'm assuming you go to a religious day school.)

IF you really want to help yourself, here's what you do. Begin to work on your relationship with your dad. (Yup, the other guy in your life).

Tell Daddy that you need some time with him. You need to talk, walk, play, learn-- doesn't matter-- just get time, face time, withhim. Ask Dad about boys, men. Ask him what they really want in a relationship. Ask him how they handle stress. Ask him about himself, what kind of boy was he. What did he do when he liked girls as a kid. Ask him how you'll know when you're in love, how will you know when you've found the right boy.

You're bound to have some amazing discussions. Leave your sister out of it if it's going to end up conflictual with her.

All the best,

FRUM ABBY

Why I Give It (advice) Away for Free

Dear Readers,

I see a gap here, people. Lots of religiously observant people need therapy, counseling, mental health treatment--whatever you want to call it-- and they can't afford it. Or they don't know where to turn to get it.

And it's true, we mental health professionals are rarely as dedicated and committed to our work as the rabbeim and other clergy of the world who stay up and take calls all night long. We wish we had that kind of strength, but we don't. Well, I don't.

Anyway. I'm throwing this idea out to you, hoping it may help. In my community I work closely with the Agudah and members of the local rabbinical council, and other mid-west organizations that send me patients. The rabbis know it's important that doctors and therapists, social workers and psychologists understand and respect customs, minhagim, and beliefs. You'll see, however, that most problems are universal and aren't about religion.

But this blog is written with religious folks in mind, even though you don't have to be frum to write. Frum Abby will answer if you're an atheist, as long as you're being sincere.

So we're opening it up. If you are Christian, Moslem, Buddhist, Jewish-- it doesn't matter.

Speak your mind, ask advice, comment, etc., on the letters and go ahead and criticize or add to the advice.

You might also read some of another blog Therapy Essays, Anecdotes, and More.

Be aware, however, if you write to me and ask for advice, that just because you write doesn't mean I'll publish your letter. You have to keep it lashon naki (clean) or there's no way it'll be read by my readers. I'm keeping names out of this and I'm cleaning up spelling and punctuation, for the most part, too.

Let’s get started.

All the best,

Frum Abby href="http://everyoneneedstherapy.blogspot.com">