Handling Differences

Hey T.D., it's Me, from FrumSpace.

I was recently having a discussion with someone on a forum and because he did not like my opinion, he kept saying how there are so many know-it-all's in the Frum world who think only they can be right.

I felt like the person was being a hypocrite because he was then saying that only his opinion was valid, and because I was able to refute most of his comments, that I was being a know-it-all.

How do you deal with hypocrites and how do you not come off as a know-it-all, while at the same time still reply to someone using the knowledge that you do have (and basic logic / common sense)?

Sincerely,
Me


Dear Me from FrumSpace,

Thanks for writing and I'm sorry it took so long to respond. Things got busy, but I'll try to post more often.

Anyway, I thought that in the Beis Medresh basically all the rabbis liked to DO is argue the gemorrah. That's the essence of learning, right, to discuss and to find proofs of each side and to respect the other's argument. To me, not doing that is a sign of insecurity. A person should be able to say, "I can see why you would feel such and such a way, based upon your experience/learning."

In matters that are not in the gemorrah (so what's not in the gemorroah?) when individuals have different ideas and ways of looking at a situation, it can get really rocky, obviously.

In therapy, if I see a family of five, I might hear five DIFFERENT descriptions of what happened in the family at a particular time of their lives, or even yesterday.

That's because they really saw, or interpreted something different, based upon their different ways of looking at things.

We develop different ways of looking at things from our own personal life experiences. So, for example, if I had a GOOD experience growing up with people who have different religion, and you had a BAD experience with someone of that religion or heard they were bad people, then you might automatically disagree with me. But you could respect my experience, my own different reality.

All realities are different and they're all correct because they're ours. Who can argue what we see?

You don't have to abandon your philosophy, by listening to someone else's. And if someone is out-talking you and you can't put your philosophy into words, that's okay, too. Many things just can't be put into words. Not easily. That's where you say, "You have your right to your opinion."

We do learn more in life by listening than by talking. Listening to another and validating (saying you see where he's coming from) does not have to threaten your position. You can respect his take on it, and vice versa.

The key to making relationships work is listening to others to the point that you can actually see where they're coming from, not cutting them off.

If a person says he's a tolerant individual, then he shouldn't be lording his opinion over others. Showing interest in other people, getting them to talk about themselves and their opinions, THIS is the most elegant way to learn about people and consequently, learn about life.

So being "right" and driving your "rightness" home, being intolerant, cuts a person off from new knowledge. Too bad, right?

Machloket—-divisiveness—-friends, is the Satan.

Jews who understand that G-d tolerates us with all of our deficits, can certainly accept one another, even love one another, no matter what our philosophical differences. That can be hard sometimes.

Hope that helps,

F.A.