We Move Too Much

B"SD
Dear Frum Abby,

I have a problem that I know I'm supposed to be very mature about and just handle, but I am not doing well. I am a thirteen year old girl and have moved four times to different cities. My father's a rabbi and my mother's a teacher, so they find better jobs and up we go. It is not easy making friends but usually the kids are okay and I make one or two.

This time they are not exactly nice. My mother says it's not me but I think it is. I gained weight and broke out with acne. The popular kids pretty much ignore me. I spend my free time either reading or on the phone with my old friends and want to visit them this summer but we don't have the money for that.

How can I convince my parents that my happiness is more important than them always having to move someplace else? I think we should move back to the last city. I don't think anyone in my family really likes our new community very much. I want to go back to what I think of as a normal social life. I'm sick of reading my life away.

Lonely New Kid

Dear Lonely,

Well, there's a lot to be said for growing up in one place. But even if you do, making and keeping friends can be full of frustration, rejection, and sadness. Kids are fickle and the whole process of choosing friends has more to do with developing an identity (comparing yourself to others and seeing what's out there outside of your family) than really being in it to help one another, which is what friendship should be all about. Adolescence is especially hard.

Add to that being the new kid. When you move into a new community it feels as if everyone already has their friends and doesn't want or need new ones. And when you feel like you're not as beautiful as you might be (because being a teen is also all about fighting hormones, weight gain, feeling ugly, etc) then you're already thinking, "Why would anyone like me? I don't even like me!" Which is a TERRIBLE way to think!

You have to look inside and see how much you have to offer. You're a star. You come from a good family. You know what's important. Look around and you'll see that half the kids in your class are insecure, too. Most kids don't feel that great about themselves at your age.

Look for the girls you know aren't that popular or confident. Complement them. Make them feel good about themselves. Offer to help them in some way or another, maybe babysitting or whatever it is they're complaining that they have to do for their parents or someone else.

In other words, Be a friend. Friendship, like love, is a verb.

I know I'm simplifying things, but start small. Be happy being you. And if you don't fit in right away, don't worry about it. It takes time for kids to trust one another and some places are definitely more of a test. In the meantime, don't stay home.

Get out there in the community and investigate it, get to know who's who, what's what. One day maybe you'll write about it. Readers sometimes turn into writers, dear, and you, because you've LIVED a lot more than kids who don't move around, have lots of material!

Best,

Frum Abby