Shy

Dear Frum Abby,

I feel a lot of pressure from my parents to go out and do things. I do have a driver's license and I don't mind going to the grocery store, running errands, that kind of thing. But I don't want to go to college, which means driving on the expressway, maybe getting lost, finding parking, probably being late to class. I've never really taken a bus in the city so I surely don't want to take public transportation. In Chicago (where I live), most of the kids drive where they want to go.

I am a little shy in general and my parents have always nagged me to go to people's houses, too, which I don't like doing. At this point, because I'm afraid to go to college on my own and I'm pretty much a social failure I'm getting pretty depressed. Don't tell me to just do it (I read your other blog, the post about confidence). It's not so simple. I really just can't.

Paralyzed in Chicago

Dear Paralyzed,

You're so right. It is so not simple. Sounds as if you've been a little socially phobic for years and that worked as long as you didn't feel you had to take any real risks.

Since you're probably not doing much this summer (you didn't say) I'd suggest we start with baby steps and a simple bus ride from whatever bus stop is close to you to the end of the route and back. Take a friend with you for support. If you don't have a friend to go with you, ask a family member to take the ride.

Get to know that bus route. Look at the people on the bus, look out the window. Begin to notice what I call "landmarks", local restaurants, schools, hospitals. Associate them with their cross streets.

At some point take the ride on your own, without a friend. This process is called desensitization, and is a behavioral therapy, by far cheaper than seeing a therapist and basically will accomplish as much. From the bus we get you over to the bank to open your own bank account. Adulthood can be more fun, by the way, than being a kid. In any case, there's no looking back.

I'm assuming you're not an abused child, that you're just kind of sheltered, based upon what you said about nobody in your crowd taking busses in general. Life's all about taking the bus, I'm happy to say.

P.S. Readers, the post she's talking about can be found at Therapy Doc
Look for, "Confidence Game".

Good luck,

Frum Abby