The Ring

Dear Frum Abby,

I'm engaged to be married and the date is set for August. The ring was very expensive. I had to use a credit card and I don't like doing that. I didn't care because I felt that this was a one-time thing and that we could pay it off. Now I'm worried because my kala, my bride to be is turning out to be a very big spender. I would never spend money on some of the things she buys. I set aside what I can, splurge a little for shabbas clothes, but I don't have to have a whole new wardrobe just because I'm getting married. And I don't like credit card debt. Any ideas?

Spent in Brooklyn

Dear Spent,

Your marriage probably won't be happy if only one of the two of you has complete control over every penny spent. This is a VERY common problem, and can be for many years. Money can also bust up a marriage.

How one spends money reflects values (and sometimes mental illness, read the Bi-Polar post in Therapy Doc's blog, TherapyDoc. (You have to scroll down to the previous post that says Fishing with Bipolar Disorder-You Need Two Poles.)

So if there are big differences in spending, it can mean that there are some other big differences, too.

Two people rarely have the very same set of priorities going into marriage. , but boy, is it helpful to try to talk about values, especially before you get married. Communication is the key. It is likely that given the chance, your kala really could convince you of the importance of her purchases.

But let's say she can't. If she's people pleasing, making her parents happy over you, then that's a BIG problem that you should work out before the marriage. If it's her own value about "image", she may be right, depending upon how or if she works in the world outside your home.

One simple solution is to decide how much there really is to spend per month, then work together to decide how much, in specific dollar amounts, each of you can spend from that pool. THEN, when the bigger purchases have to be made, you talk about them.

You also want to discuss what happens when that plan doesn't work. Is that grounds for divorce? Abuse? How will you feel? How will she feel? Not so simple, my friend, is it? And we wonder why so many engagements don't make it to the chupah.

I tell young couples to Talk, talk, talk. And then talk some more.

Good luck, F.A.