Response to Down in Missouri

DOWN IN MISSOURI WROTE:

Dear Frum Abby,

I grew up as the youngest of six girls, then my little brother came along when I was four. I don't remember much, but I do remember that my parents and my sisters really had to give him all of their attention because he has a disability. That isn't why I'm writing, though. Now I'm sixteen and I have a boyfriend.

This is against the rules of my family and my sister, the one just older than me, is threatening to tell on me if I don't end the relationship. Frum Abby, this is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He (let's call him Yitzi) is so nice to me. He really loves me. The problem is that I have to lie to be able to see him, like say that I am meeting a girlfriend. We meet at the park so there's not much we can really do that's so, so terrible. We have kissed (a lot). My parents, especially my father, have no idea about it and I can't see why they have to know. What can I tell my sister that will make her respect my privacy?

Down in MISSOURI

Dear Down,

Is Yitzi 16, too? Or 26? I'm going to guess that he's your age. What are your real feelings about being shomer negiyah, not touching a boy until you're married to him?

I'm going to assume NOT that you don't believe in it, but that you think it doesn't apply to you. I'm NOT writing as a rabbi, okay, but as a professional.

IF touching Yitzi makes you feel guilty, then the guilt is there to motivate you to change your ways.

IF there's no guilt about it, but you really only want some space to be alone with your boyfriend, then you're going to have a LOT of trouble finding it.

IF your sister knows then there's at least one other person who knows. No one keeps secrets, sweetie, no one.

IF your sister knows and one other person knows (really, countless know by this writing) then IT IS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE YOUR PARENTS KNOW. So I'd get working on that possibility and what you're going to do when they confront you (or when the school kicks you out, I'm assuming you go to a religious day school.)

IF you really want to help yourself, here's what you do. Begin to work on your relationship with your dad. (Yup, the other guy in your life).

Tell Daddy that you need some time with him. You need to talk, walk, play, learn-- doesn't matter-- just get time, face time, withhim. Ask Dad about boys, men. Ask him what they really want in a relationship. Ask him how they handle stress. Ask him about himself, what kind of boy was he. What did he do when he liked girls as a kid. Ask him how you'll know when you're in love, how will you know when you've found the right boy.

You're bound to have some amazing discussions. Leave your sister out of it if it's going to end up conflictual with her.

All the best,

FRUM ABBY