Family Loyalty

Dear Frum Abby,

I've been married for almost a year and a half. I thought that by now my husband would be a little more loyal to me, and less loyal to his family. I love them and they're nice to me, but they take up a lot of his time. If his mom says, "Jump," he jumps. She pretty much is the boss of the family, not because his dad isn't around—he just doesn't care. Everyone in that family just does what my mother-in-law tells them to do and doesn't argue.

My husband goes there everyday after work. He's either got to fix something or to try something that she's cooked. Sometimes he has to baby sit for my sister-in-law's kids—they live with her and my father-in-law. My husband is the baby of the family.

So I don't really get it. I know my husband loves me. He's very affectionate and helpful at our house, too. I just feel that he should put me first. He says he does, but I haven't felt it, you know?

What's going to happen when we have kids? Do you think things will miraculously change? We haven't got any yet. I'm about ready to leave this guy, but I love him, I really do.

Aggravated with the in-laws


Dear Aggravated,

That scene could have worked both ways. The guys usually accept it when the girls spend what I consider too much time with their families after marriage.

But I'm sensing something's up over there at the in-laws' house. There is such a thing as a "united front marriage," one in which everything LOOKS good, but indeed, the partners are not united at all, they're just afraid to have fights. Fighting, if it's nasty and hurtful, can traumatize people. So they avoid it like the plague for the rest of their lives.

But no fighting? If you have no arguments you have No emotional intimacy. You have to argue and solve problems to really get close. A good solution to a problem makes a couple feel oh, so strong, oh so together. Happy.

What has this got to do with your problem, again?

My guess is that your father-in-law avoids arguments with your mother-in-law and gives in all of the time. Your husband, and everyone else in the family also agree with the covert family rule, It's not worth the argument; don't argue with Ma. Your mother-in-law, quite used to getting her way, doesn't even have to pressure anyone at this stage of the game to get (and in this case keep the things she loves.

She may not even be conscious of this, by the way, and they may not be, either. It's not something you just go in there and accuse everyone of doing. But it may be what's going on.

Get your boy into marriage counseling, dear, in any case, with a licensed family therapist.

And good luck!

Frum Abby