Hippie Parents

Dear Frum Abby,

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, but they didn't grow up frum like they raised me.

Here's the problem. Although I'm not the frummest kid on the block, my parents are more frum than me, I think. But I'm still not interested in doing the things they think I want to do. They think I want to do what they did as kids, but I don't. They have told us kids many stories and I have learned much from them and love them very much. I understand from what they have told me from their experience that smoking and pot are probably pretty stupid things to do. So I don't do them.

They can stop lecturing already.

But here's the thing. They don't believe me. They don't trust me. I have done nothing wrong, seriously, for them to act so suspicious of me and of my friends.

Where am I going, what am I doing, Is there going to be a parent home, What time will I be home, Are there going to be drugs where ever it is I'm going? The questions never stop and neither do the looks that say, We know what you're up. It is making me crazy.

I'm sixteen and the truth is that their distrust is making me want to go out and do something just so they'll be happy since they already think I do.

I'm sick and tired and suffocating. You have to disguise my identity, please.

Suffocating

Dear Suffocating,

Yes, raising parents can be hard. You do deserve more respect than you're getting if in fact you're as good as you say. But I have to ask this. How are you acting when you're getting the fifth degree? How do you answer them back? Would you say that you show an attitude? Getting a wee bit testy perhaps? Do you make faces or roll your eyes?

Face it. They see it as their job to be on top of you, to protect you . At sixteen, with your track record (I'm assuming you really haven't caused them any grief) I personally think they can lighten up, but it's you who has to have the heart to heart and tell them that without the drama. Assertiveness is just the facts.

You have to sit them down and tell them what you've told me, that you're a good kid and you don't want to smoke pot (that's what I think I heard you say). That actually, in your mind, it's not a cool, attractive activity and if it was cool when they were kids you're sorry, but it's not what you're into and they can relax. You have to say these things respectfully and make eye contact.

You can act just a little upset and insulted, since you are, but remember this is probably less about you than about them. You'll be most successful if they say something about when they were kids. Then you can say, But Mom, Dad!, I'm NOT you. I'm me. That's the key and that's what they want to hear.

Take a deep breath,

Frum Abby