Handling Differences

Hey T.D., it's Me, from FrumSpace.

I was recently having a discussion with someone on a forum and because he did not like my opinion, he kept saying how there are so many know-it-all's in the Frum world who think only they can be right.

I felt like the person was being a hypocrite because he was then saying that only his opinion was valid, and because I was able to refute most of his comments, that I was being a know-it-all.

How do you deal with hypocrites and how do you not come off as a know-it-all, while at the same time still reply to someone using the knowledge that you do have (and basic logic / common sense)?

Sincerely,
Me


Dear Me from FrumSpace,

Thanks for writing and I'm sorry it took so long to respond. Things got busy, but I'll try to post more often.

Anyway, I thought that in the Beis Medresh basically all the rabbis liked to DO is argue the gemorrah. That's the essence of learning, right, to discuss and to find proofs of each side and to respect the other's argument. To me, not doing that is a sign of insecurity. A person should be able to say, "I can see why you would feel such and such a way, based upon your experience/learning."

In matters that are not in the gemorrah (so what's not in the gemorroah?) when individuals have different ideas and ways of looking at a situation, it can get really rocky, obviously.

In therapy, if I see a family of five, I might hear five DIFFERENT descriptions of what happened in the family at a particular time of their lives, or even yesterday.

That's because they really saw, or interpreted something different, based upon their different ways of looking at things.

We develop different ways of looking at things from our own personal life experiences. So, for example, if I had a GOOD experience growing up with people who have different religion, and you had a BAD experience with someone of that religion or heard they were bad people, then you might automatically disagree with me. But you could respect my experience, my own different reality.

All realities are different and they're all correct because they're ours. Who can argue what we see?

You don't have to abandon your philosophy, by listening to someone else's. And if someone is out-talking you and you can't put your philosophy into words, that's okay, too. Many things just can't be put into words. Not easily. That's where you say, "You have your right to your opinion."

We do learn more in life by listening than by talking. Listening to another and validating (saying you see where he's coming from) does not have to threaten your position. You can respect his take on it, and vice versa.

The key to making relationships work is listening to others to the point that you can actually see where they're coming from, not cutting them off.

If a person says he's a tolerant individual, then he shouldn't be lording his opinion over others. Showing interest in other people, getting them to talk about themselves and their opinions, THIS is the most elegant way to learn about people and consequently, learn about life.

So being "right" and driving your "rightness" home, being intolerant, cuts a person off from new knowledge. Too bad, right?

Machloket—-divisiveness—-friends, is the Satan.

Jews who understand that G-d tolerates us with all of our deficits, can certainly accept one another, even love one another, no matter what our philosophical differences. That can be hard sometimes.

Hope that helps,

F.A.

PERSPECTIVE

Dear Frum Abby,

I live in Europe and the family isn't frum. There aren't any programs for Jewish kids here to go to and I'm missing out on the best years of my life and feel like a complete loser.

It makes me angry, but it is fun to read on those frum forum websites, how teens complain about every small little thing, like 'my Rabbi is this', 'my yeshiva is so bad', 'I'm frummer than my MO father', 'my friend ate a 0,5% non-kosherhamburger', 'I don't enjoy learning talmud', all those kind of silly smalldetails.

I'd suggest all of them should pack a suitcase and move to my town and try to live as a Jew right there alone. It almost induces a laugh, when reading about their problems.

Sad

Dear Sad,

Well, this is terrible, as you know. Since you're on-line, I'd suggest you find as much Torah as possible, try to learn something at least. The websites are pretty amazing. Google "Torah". Maybe you can even get some pen-pals in Israel if you hunt around. That would be fun, I think.

You actually have a LOT to offer other kids, frum and otherwise. I always tell kids who feel out of it socially to look around for OTHER kids who think they're weird. There are millions of kids out there who feel they don't fit in—actually, they're good kids, just a little insecure, and like you, struggling socially.

Your experience is interesting and unique (it will give you much to write one day). I also suggest that you write a diary or journal, of sorts, maybe even blog.
I can tell you that these years, these supposedly best years of your life are usually NOT the best years of your life. That's a lot of nonsense. They're soul searching years and full of conflict with family about identity and disappointment with friends and school. So in that respect you are very much like other kids, frum or otherwise.

See if there's some kind of counseling program for you, too. It's great to be one on one with an adult who doesn't judge you and only wants to help, even if he can't be "your friend."

Stay in touch,

F.A.

Stealing

Dear Frum Abby,

I've been working all summer and have put away some money in my drawer. Now I notice that some of it is missing. I'm pretty sure it's my older brother who is taking it but I don't want to get him into trouble. I asked him about it and he said he didn't take it. What should I do?

Missing a Few Dollars



Dear Missing,

If this has been a problem in the past then you can probably feel safe telling your parents. If it's new, and you're not sure, then I would suggest you keep it to yourself. Ask your Mom or Dad to hold onto your money for you in a safe place, just to be sure it doesn't happen again, and keep a sheet of paper with the amount they owe you. We don't want to give people opportunities to go wrong if we think they're vulnerable.

Just so you readers should know, the classic way of looking at kids who steal is that they feel cheated. It's usually a sign the family needs some professional help.

Frum Abby

About This Blog

Hi Friends,

Just for clarification. Although many of the letters I receive are from religiously observant kids and adults, I will post from anyone as long as the problem is legitimate and the language is clean.

All the Best,

F.A.

Not An Observant Jew In SIght!

Dear Abby,

My parents don't keep anything in Judaism, and I'm pretty much the only one keeping it. Two years ago I kept kosher (I didn't eat any meat) and kept Shabbat perfectly.

I live in a place where there are no young Jews who keep Judaism. I'm now 18 years old. My friends (non-Jewish) go to all kind of things every Friday evening. They go to discos, pubs and wtvr, and it's very frustrating that they don't call me anymore to hang out with them, even on other non-Shabbat days.

As the time passed by I got farther away from them. I prayed hard for this to go over, but in vain. In other words I feel that me practicing Judaism was a social mistake, because I lost my friends because of it.

At the same time I've got so many doubts about Judaism. So what I decided to do is, that I put off my Jewish observance and reestablish my friendship with my earlier friends again till the time, when I'll move to an area where Jews live.

I just don't think Hashem wants people to live in loneliness. You are actually the first one I write/talk to about this, since no one hereunderstands my problem. Specially not my parents.
I've some MSN Jewish frum contacts, but they don't really have so much interest in having online friends, since they already in their real life have other frum friends. I think my situation is special.

Waiting for Frum Friends


Dear Waiting,

Of course I worry about you losing your connection to Judaism, but I’m VERY concerned about the depression. How depressed are you? Do you sleep okay? Have you lost weight? Have you talked about this with your parents? What do they say?

A little family therapy here would be very helpful. Family therapists recognize the importance of kids developing their own identities and helping the family adjust to the growing, very different person that they call their child.

It sounds like you have to fake having the identity of your non-Jewish friends to have friends. You may regret that later, especially if you fall in love with a non-Jewish girl and lose your Judaism altogether. Religious rituals and beliefs (like the idea that HasShem is with you at all times), translate into having major psychological coping strategies and a sense of community which you know you need.

So you don’t want to lose that, and your family might help you get it-- hard for me to say. If you're depressed, though, get some professional help for yourself for sure.

I’d start with family therapy and/or individual therapy if at all possible. Be honest with your parents about your emotional distress. You could sure use some empathy and understanding from the people who have invested so much in you.

Let me know how it goes and good luck,

Frum Abby

Camp's not so fun for this one

B"SD

Dear Frum Abby,

I'm an over-night camp counselor for twelve year old girls and am having many problems keeping them happy and getting them to listen to rules. A couple of them are very needy for attention and take up all of my time, and the rest don't get enough of my attention. The ones who do are the ones I don't really like to be with.

Not only that, but I'm pretty sure that a couple of the girls need a lot more help than I can give them and should be seeing a psychiatrist or something.

What should I do? I've told the head of the camp and he says it's only a few weeks, he's sure I can get through this. I'm not so sure. I feel like I want to quit, but I know I can't do that.

Camped Out

Dear Camped,

It's not such a simple problem, as you've discovered. Some people think that if they send their kid to camp that the kid will just follow the crowd and do what's right or at least "normal." But indeed, kids are just miniature adults, and you know how weird and crazy we grown-ups can be. So why should kids be any easier?

Anyway, I'm going to go with the worst possible scenario because if it happens then you would feel just terrible for the rest of your life, and who needs the guilt? And that's protecting the kids if they're a danger to themselves or others. Your job is basically to get those kids back home in one piece.

You have to ask the ones who seem really sad,out of it, or demanding, if there is any possibility that they might harm themselves or anyone else. That's the ikur, the most important thing to know. It applies in almost any situation when dealing with other kids, your age, older, younger, doesn't matter. Ask with complete sincerity and concern, in private. You don't have to be a counselor to be asking the question, by the way, to people who seem depressed or extremely angry, distant or emotional. If the individual says "YES", don't work on solving his or her problem. TELL someone who is in charge, a camp director, teacher, parent. You'll be heard. Tell even if you were told not to tell. Asking won't necessarily save a life. Telling will.

But let's say that's not happening, that the kids are not hurting themselves or others. Then you have to make sure the ones who are not acting needy are okay, too. The old saying, THE SQUEAKY WHEEL GETS THE OIL (or something like that) is very true, and it's not fair.

Definitely attend to the good kids, the ones who are not causing trouble or needing attention. Have fun with them and enjoy them and your time away from home this summer. The kids who are causing you trouble may become more like them if you do. But that, of course, depends upon what's driving their demanding behavior, and you probably can't control that. If you want to try, get a degree in social work, medicine, counseling or psychology when you're older. You're right for the job!

Good luck,

Frum Abby

We Move Too Much

B"SD
Dear Frum Abby,

I have a problem that I know I'm supposed to be very mature about and just handle, but I am not doing well. I am a thirteen year old girl and have moved four times to different cities. My father's a rabbi and my mother's a teacher, so they find better jobs and up we go. It is not easy making friends but usually the kids are okay and I make one or two.

This time they are not exactly nice. My mother says it's not me but I think it is. I gained weight and broke out with acne. The popular kids pretty much ignore me. I spend my free time either reading or on the phone with my old friends and want to visit them this summer but we don't have the money for that.

How can I convince my parents that my happiness is more important than them always having to move someplace else? I think we should move back to the last city. I don't think anyone in my family really likes our new community very much. I want to go back to what I think of as a normal social life. I'm sick of reading my life away.

Lonely New Kid

Dear Lonely,

Well, there's a lot to be said for growing up in one place. But even if you do, making and keeping friends can be full of frustration, rejection, and sadness. Kids are fickle and the whole process of choosing friends has more to do with developing an identity (comparing yourself to others and seeing what's out there outside of your family) than really being in it to help one another, which is what friendship should be all about. Adolescence is especially hard.

Add to that being the new kid. When you move into a new community it feels as if everyone already has their friends and doesn't want or need new ones. And when you feel like you're not as beautiful as you might be (because being a teen is also all about fighting hormones, weight gain, feeling ugly, etc) then you're already thinking, "Why would anyone like me? I don't even like me!" Which is a TERRIBLE way to think!

You have to look inside and see how much you have to offer. You're a star. You come from a good family. You know what's important. Look around and you'll see that half the kids in your class are insecure, too. Most kids don't feel that great about themselves at your age.

Look for the girls you know aren't that popular or confident. Complement them. Make them feel good about themselves. Offer to help them in some way or another, maybe babysitting or whatever it is they're complaining that they have to do for their parents or someone else.

In other words, Be a friend. Friendship, like love, is a verb.

I know I'm simplifying things, but start small. Be happy being you. And if you don't fit in right away, don't worry about it. It takes time for kids to trust one another and some places are definitely more of a test. In the meantime, don't stay home.

Get out there in the community and investigate it, get to know who's who, what's what. One day maybe you'll write about it. Readers sometimes turn into writers, dear, and you, because you've LIVED a lot more than kids who don't move around, have lots of material!

Best,

Frum Abby

Internet Addictions

B"H
Dear Therapy Doc,

What does it mean, having an internet addiction? How do you define addiction in general? Can there be such a thing as a good addiction, like one to HaKodesh Baruchu?

‘Fraid I’m Addicted

Dear ‘Fraid,

We use the “A” word, addiction, way too loosely, in my opinion. It really means dependency or compulsive behavior. A person is dependent on something, like alcohol, gambling, the Internet, because engaging in those activies serves to reduce negative emotions. That's a fancy way of saying that people do things that aren't necessarily good for them over and over again to make themselves feel better. They haven't got the power to stop. It's sort of like. . . eating junk food.

Anyway, professionals say that if a compulsive behavior gets you into trouble, like you lose your job, get kicked out of school, your wife leaves you (or your mom grounds you)—these are pretty good signs that your behavior is dysfunctional and may be symptomatic of an addiction.

I’d go a step farther and say that if the compulsive behavior makes you feel that you are neglecting more functional behaviors, like doing chesed (good deeds) , helping out at home, learning or getting a job, then maybe you have an addiction, for lack of a better word.

So no, you can’t have a GOOD addiction. If you are a busy Eved Hashem then you are busy doing mitzvoth, and those behaviors are socially functional, usually, not DYSfunctional. Except, perhaps, on Purim when things are upside down.

So if compulsive behavior blocks a more proactive lifestyle, then it probably should stop. If your Internet addiction is making you ashamed, if you're visiting sites that you know you shouldn't, if you're gambling on-line, then you may need professional help to stop.

Good Luck!

Therapy Doc